


I Wanna Go

by theoddoodisnude



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fluff, I Don't Even Know, It's not even angsty, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 14:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoddoodisnude/pseuds/theoddoodisnude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is--" he clears his throat and hates his life for a moment, because he can deal with being the Hulk; he knows that his life is strange and upside-down and consists of mixing chemicals and turning into an enormous, green monster and fighting alongside demi-gods, national icons, assassins and advanced tinmen. But this was not in the brochure. "This is Tony's incredibly misguided attempt at getting me to -- seduce you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wanna Go

**Author's Note:**

> Yesterday, I had a sleepover with a friend of mine, Sam, and sometimes we do this thing where we challenge each other to write weird things. We randomised names and songs: I got Bruce Banner and "I Wanna Go" by Britney Spears/Luke Conard. And so this... happened. 
> 
> (It's not even angst-y, wow, I can't remember the last time I finished something that wasn't angst-y somehow.)

"This is not funny, Tony," Bruce says the moment he notices that the door is locked. "This is not funny, this is not a good solution to anything. If you're lucky, I'll just hulk out and ruin your kitchen. If you're not, the whole Tower will collapse."

Bruce takes a deep, calming breath when there is no response from Tony.

"JARVIS," he tries instead. "Could you unlock this door for me, please?"

"I am sorry to inform you that I have been forbidden to do such a thing, Dr Banner," JARVIS replies, sounding surprisingly, genuinely sorry for an AI. "Mr Stark gave me very strict instructions."

Bruce sighs, closes his eyes and lets his forehead rest against the door.

"Yo," Clint pipes up eloquently. He's been quiet since Bruce was pushed into the kitchen, because something is obviously going on between him and Tony. "I'm making lunch. What's up with you and Stark?"

"Nothing," Bruce says.

Tony, apparently, has speakers installed everywhere, because speakers Bruce didn't even know existed until now, suddenly start playing music.

Clint almost drops the frying pan at the sudden noise. Bruce takes a very, very deep breath.

The music is loud, heavy and and the bass makes Bruce's skin crawl. It's pop, disgustingly sweet and he knows this song -- he _does_ , but only because he listens to the radio as he works, sometimes -- and he mostly really wants to hide right now. So he hides his face in his hands and wishes for the floor to swallow him.

_Lately I've been stuck imagining, what I wanna do and what I really think..._

"I can't believe this is happening," Bruce mutters into his palms.

"What's going on?" Clint asks, and he's put the frying pan and spatula away, so he must mean business. He has to raise his voice to be heard as he asks, "What's with the music? Why's the door locked?"

Bruce knows that there's really no way out of this, because is JARVIS has received "strict instructions", which probably means that he won't unlock the door until Bruce has at least talked to Clint. So he throws his hands up, shakes his head and walks a little closer to Clint, because he is not going to actually, literally, scream his feelings at the other man.

"This is--" he clears his throat and hates his life for a moment, because he can deal with being the Hulk; he knows that his life is strange and upside-down and consists of mixing chemicals and turning into an enormous, green monster and fighting alongside demi-gods, national icons, assassins and advanced tinmen. But this was not in the brochure. "This is Tony's _incredibly_ misguided attempt at getting me to -- seduce you."

" _Seduce_ me?" Clint echoes, slowl and half-incredulous. Bruce starts to look around, pinpointing the location of any remotely sharp object in the room, because he can't help feeling that he's going to need to duck and hide very soon. It's difficult to find some kind of safe place, though, when he's in the full-of-sharp-objects-kitchen and knows very well how devastating and exact Clint's aim is.

Clint looks into Bruce's eyes and Bruce stares right back. Clint is shockingly, unnervingly good at reading people -- which is probably somewhere in his job description as a master assassin, but still -- and Bruce sort of wonders if Clint can read his mind.

"Uh," Bruce clears his throat again, because he's not a man of words, not really. "Yeah."

_Shame on me,_ Britney sings, voice loud and clear and sugary sweet through the speakers. _To need release, uh-uncontrollably._

Then the chrous starts and Bruce -- who is a grown man, who turns into a green monster in the size of a building, who has been in relationships and lived through numerous embarrassing experiences, and that's not even counting all the times he's woken up naked in the middle of the street -- blushes. Bruce The-Incredible-Hulk Banner _blushes_.

_I-I-I wanna go-oh-oh all the wa-wa-way, taking out my freak tonight. I-I-I wanna sho-oh-ow all the dirt I've got running through my mind._

Then Clint starts laughing, uncontrollably, so much that he has to lean against Bruce for support--but wait, what-- the leaning becomes very intimate, close-leaning and then he's kissing Bruce, laughter turned into a grin against Bruce's lips.

Bruce is too shocked for _anything_ , really, for a few seconds -- he's half-scared that he'll hulk out just due to shock, because his systems were _not prepared for this_ , so they want to go green for a while -- but he manages to push the green feelings away, and pushes closer to Clint instead.

Britney Spears keeps blaring through the speakers and it's still horribly embarrassing and annoyingly, deceptively sweet, but it's not quite as unbearable now.

Clint takes half a step back, leans his forehead against Bruce's and grins. Bruce is still not a man of words, so he just smiles and enjoys the strangely intimate way he and Clint are sharing the same breathing space.

The door unlocks, the volume of the music is turned down slightly and Tony sticks his head through the doorway. He smirks and says, "See, I _told_ you my dating advice rules! It totally worked, though I do wish that you would've at least worked your hips a little, Brucie, it would've done the trick a lot quicker, but my point remains!"

Tony looks almost disgustingly smug, with his wide, knowing smirk, but there's a trace of actual, genuine happiness around his eyes. For all he's a pretentious, know-it-all, self-important, never-grown-up-prodigy half the time -- only half time time, really, because sometimes he's Iron Man and the rest of the time he's actually nice and funny and _genius_ , which is why Bruce puts up with him at all -- he really did have good intentions when he locked Bruce up in a room with a man he has capital-F _Feelings_ for and started blaring Britney Spears through the kitchen's invisible speaker unit.

Bruce can appreciate the thought, but that doesn't mean he won't try to sneak some itching powder into Tony's suit, because fair is fair and there are definitely better Britney Spears songs to choose from.

"You can stop talking any minute now, Stark," Clint says and Bruce tunes back and realises that Tony hasn't stopped talking yet. When Tony fails to obey immediately, Clint produces a fork from-- _somewhere_ and, with that devastating and exact aim, chucks it at him.

Tony makes the most ridiculous sound that vaguely resembles a yelp and ducks away. He grumbles, "You two oblivious lovebirds should be _thankful_ , okay, show some respect. My dating advice is incredible and if it wasn't for that, you two would still be circling each other slowly and the sexual tension was getting _really_ awkward for everyone else, but you two..." the rest of the sentence is lost, because Tony has started walking down the hall, but he keeps talking to himself anyway.

Clint kisses Bruce again, before he draws back and raises an eyebrow; "I can't believe you were reduced to asking _Tony Stark_ for dating advice."

"I wasn't _reduced_ to anything," Bruce replies, not sure if he should take offense on his own behalf or Tony's. "You could say he... acted without my permission."

Clint just raises an eyebrow again and pecks Bruce on the cheek, before he turns back to the food. Bruce stays where he is, watching Clint silently as he cooks.

"I hate to say it," Clint starts after a while. "But it was a good plan."

Bruce doesn't reply, he just smiles slightly and nods. It's quiet, after that, for approximately three seconds, before Clint starts humming _I Wanna Go_ , while swaying his hips to the beat. Bruce wonders how this is his life and tries not to choke on a laugh.


End file.
